


Bitter (Suffer, Suffer)

by unsaved_joj



Category: Singer/Songwriter - Fandom
Genre: Angst/Comfort, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Crying, House Parties, M/M, Trusting Strangers, becoming friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 17:17:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16937451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsaved_joj/pseuds/unsaved_joj
Summary: Joji gets choked up at a house party.





	Bitter (Suffer, Suffer)

**Author's Note:**

> guys guys guys I’m rlly proud of this

Things felt slower at house parties. Joji couldn’t explain it, and none of the drunk, passed out, or insane people around him could either. Scientists would never be able to decipher why these events would unravel so slowly, but then again, they didn’t study house parties. Joji did. Joji studied everything, dark, lidded eyes scanning a crowded room, searching. What for, it could be anything. The way people danced or talked, trying to figure out their home life, what job they’d go to in a hungover state the next morning. Looking for danger, most of the time. Sometimes, for people that might appear as if they wanted to talk to him. That gave him an excuse to rush out, unseen into the night to his shitty car, on a journey to get 1 AM Taco Bell. Why he came to parties, just to stand against the wall and swirl his cup of some pungent unknown alcohol (could be laced, like he actually gave a shit) and stare around at everyone, he didn’t know. Something to do, to pass his empty hours at home. Joji was always invited, even though he didn’t even want to go. This time, Tanner asked him. He hadn’t seen the guy in a while so he felt like he had to go, guilt if Joji denied him. He begrudgingly texted back a ‘sure’, threw on a hoodie, loosely combed his fingers through his hair, and left his apartment. Joji clearly cared very much about his appearance.

When he arrived, not caring that he’d parked in front of a stranger’s yard and walking through the November cold to Tanner’s house, he was greeted by a rush of overly loud rap music and Tanner screaming. Joji tried his best to have at least an ounce of enthusiasm, but it showed. Tanner asked him if he was okay and Joji just claimed he was tired. And, just like that, he was gone, off to chat with other people. Joji didn’t mind. It had been at least an hour, an hour of stagnant screaming speakers, feeling claustrophobic from the amount of ‘clout chasers’ around him, leaning against the wall causing his spine to be pencil-straight. Everything was fast-paced but slowed-down, partygoers dancing in slow motion, the music twisting into something sickening. Joji wasn’t exactly sure, but some panic had started to develop in his stomach and he thought he might have to leave this too-small house soon. 

“Hey.” The voice startled him, breaking him out of his trance. Joji hadn’t realized he was holding his cup so tightly, knuckles white, the alcohol spilled slightly at his feet. It took him a few seconds to see who was speaking, and he was surprised to see a boy standing in front of him who looked as if he was from high school. Joji knew that Tanner wouldn’t let any teenage idiots into his party, so the kid must’ve just turned 19. He was familiar, but Joji couldn’t place it. The boy looked expectant, almond shaped eyes staring up at him, searching. Just like Joji did. He liked them.  
“Oh.” Joji uttered out, clearing his throat. “Hey.” He cursed himself for sounding like an idiot. His hands were sweating, the cup slipping slightly, the liquid vibrating from his shaking hands. Joji didn’t remember being this nervous.  
“I’m Brian.” The boy greeted, eyes bright.  
“Joji.” Joji replied, trying not to sound like he was choking. Brian nodded. Joji observed him for a moment. He was light on his feet, looking restless but content, a flurry of thought. Ambitious.  
“Do you like this song? I’m not really a fan of this Souncloud bullshit. The words don’t mean anything.” He looked behind him, then to his side. Restlessness again.  
“Why do you small talk like that? You don’t look like that type of person.” Joji blurted out, the uncomfortable sense in his stomach causing his voice to shake. Brian blinked. There was hurt there.  
“I’ll just leave you alone, then.” His voice had changed, body turning to run off somewhere else, shoulders drooping. Joji, thinking of the aftermath of this and dreading the thought of having a panic attack against this same wall, rushed to save the situation.  
“Wait!” The alarm in his voice was too apparent, face flushing. Brian turned, eyes wide, cheeks tinted red in the semi-darkness of the room. Joji swallowed a lump in his throat, the taste sickening.  
“I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. I’m sorry.” He apologized quickly. Brian stared for a moment, the first time Joji could really see his eyes, the first time they’d actually landed on him.

Joji waited with anticipation, the world behind them going much slower than before. Brian cocked his head slightly, resembling a confused puppy.  
“Are you okay?” Brian asked, the concern so prominent in his voice that Joji thought he might faint. He didn’t think anyone at a 1 AM house party had ever bothered to ask him that. At first, Joji had thought it was implying something else, that Joji needed mental help or a swift kick to the kidney. But, the longer he looked on, Brian shifting a bit and biting his lip, he knew. Joji knew that he knew. Joji breathed in heavily.  
“No.” A one word answer, barely choked out. Brian nodded, brow knit, fingers twitching. They stared for a moment, letting the awful music pass by them in waves, an intoxicated pair of girls almost spilling their drinks on Brian as they went by. Joji was teaching, even if he didn’t know this kid. He just wanted out of this house. Brian looked around once more, wetting his bottom lip.

“We can go.” He said softly, cocking his head toward the exit. “If you want. I took an Uber here.” Joji’s soft eyes moved toward the wall Brian motioned to.  
“Okay. We can take my car.” Joji nodded to himself, not sure where things were going but hoping that it was a good direction. Brian waited for a minute, studying Joji with those eyes, and turned to walk toward the exit. It took Joji a second to follow, but he pushed his tired, stiff legs to make a move. Leaning against that wall made him feel like he was in atrophy. Focusing on Brian’s bright yellow sweater, a beacon of hope in the chaos, Joji stumbled behind him toward the exit. He prayed to god that Tanner wouldn’t see him leaving, paw at him with guilt so he’d stay. It wasn’t like Tanner made an effort to talk to him anyway. Joji couldn’t blame him; why would anyone want to talk to a quiet, sleep-deprived hermit, even if they’d been friends for years? Joji’s sneakers hit the doormat and he knew they’d arrived. Brian had to excuse some people, tone completely changed from when Joji had just spoke to him. It was bright and friendly now, like talking to a Chick-Fil-A cashier. Joji didn’t understand why they were always so nice. Brian looked back at Joji for a minute, and when he saw the boy’s eyes, they disclosed to him that they had not forgotten. Brian was still genuine, still helping rescue Joji from suffering in the sweltering heat of conversation. The air was chilling, crisp, but it helped apply reassurance to Joji, his hot face cooled by the wind. With the night air came a thought.

Why did he trust Brian, this random kid he’d met at a house party, someone he didn’t even know? He didn’t know what this kid did in his spare time, what he was capable of, if they’d ever see each other again after this night. And, another thing: What was going to happen tonight? Joji didn’t like thinking this much, tightening his hoodie around himself, unknowingly leading the way to his beat up car. Brian stepped aside to let him go across the grass, fiddling with his shirt, mind bouncing in a billion different directions. Joji hadn’t noticed, but a light rain had broken out over them, sprinkling the grass with dew and droplets hanging loosely in both of the boys’ hair. Joji’s eyes moved to Brian again, watching. He seemed to dart everywhere all at once, so fast he appeared still.  
“This one’s mine.” Joji barely coughed up the words when they stopped at his car, going around the side and stumbling on the pavement. Brian looked up at him, eyes soft, before he opened the passenger door and slid in. Joji did so, shutting his door and staring at the wheel. It felt as if he couldn’t bring his hands to it, to start the car and drive like hell. His ears were ringing, blood pounding, and he hadn’t even realized. He was numb.  
“Joji?” Brian asked, his voice far and muffled. Joji looked up, swallowing hard, eyes wide. They were welling with tears but he blinked them away.  
“Yeah?” He asked, voice wavering. Brian’s face was full of pity, eyes shining, thumbs fidgeting while the rest of him remained still. Always moving.  
“What can I do?” His voice was small, shaking. Joji noticed his fingers were shaking too. Joji bit his plump lower lip, thinking. Thinking badly about himself. How he’d made this kid upset and worried like his well-being mattered. He breathed in and out slowly, chest tight as if he was being strangled.  
“I-I don’t know.” His fingernails were digging into his palms but he couldn’t feel it. He couldn’t feel anything. Brian nodded to his response, leaning back in the seat and staring ahead. The yellow of his sweater was glowing in the streetlight, his dark eyes reflective. Inside them was pity for a stranger, so obvious it made Joji upset. Brian was one of the good ones, but that didn’t mean he could shut things off, the opposite actually. He felt things because he was allowed to feel them. Emotions hurt but he was open to them, willing to accept sadness or anger or helplessness. Brian was an open book, even if he wasn’t trying to be, pages read loudly with every jumbling movement of his shaking hands and darting eyes. It was funny, all you could tell from a pair of eyes. Joji’s spoke softly, but with meaning. They were tired, drawn out from life, full of grief and sorrow but covered with indifference. Suffering. Nobody could ever tell what he was thinking or feeling, not until they got close. Joji preferred to keep things shut down, in fear he’d be harmed again, used by the people around him. 

But when faced with this boy, eyes begging to help, truly “windows to the soul”, Joji wanted to share. He wanted to spill his guts, ramble and cry and scream and tell Brian every inconvenience he’d ever had in his life. But, that would scare him away. He needed balance. Start slow.  
“I...I want to know you.” Joji mumbled, struggling to form the words, the panic in his chest starting to subside. Brian looked over almost immediately. He nodded and let Joji continue.  
“I trust you. I normally don’t trust anyone. Not even my friends.” He coughed, clearing his throat of thick tears. “But there’s...I feel like I know you, or something. I’m grateful you got me out of there.” He couldn’t say anymore at the moment, not when his vision was clouding. Brian knew.  
“I-I don’t know what to say.” He thought, eyes looking out the windshield to the pattering November raindrops rolling down the glass. “I trust you too. And I...I want to help you. Not be, like, a guidance counselor or anything. Just talk.”  
With that, there was silence. The car’s air was warmer, but not suffocating. Joji’s cold feet and fingertips were beginning to warm.  
“Let’s talk, then.” He said, swallowing hard and sniffing, wiping his face. Brian nodded, a small smile cracked on his face, earning a grin from Joji.

**Author's Note:**

> leave feedback lovelies :) <3
> 
> this took me a long time so I hope y’all appreciate it


End file.
